Blow the horn

I actually have some time now so I'll let this stream of consciousness thing go. Sort of anyway, I remember in school that meant that you don't take your pen off of the paper, so I guess in this case it will have to be that I wont take my mind off of the computer screen, or something.
One idea that struck me tonight, with the help of my beloved, is what will my 'yes' mean when July 7th, 2006 comes around? What do I mean by that? Well, ok so it's no secret by now that my problem is food, although it goes much deeper than that. I, like any woman or person for that matter, need validation. I need affirmation and emotional fulfillment and it's easy to turn to food to do that for me. So, these days I'm trying to organize my life a little more, be more holistic. I'm trying to put my spirituality where my life dreams are i.e. daily prayer, daily Mass when its at all possible and just an overall giving myself to God always. That in itself will be a lifelong mission and if God can make a saint out of this when it's all said and done (like He claims He can) then my faith in Him surely won't have been mistaken. These spiritual goals however can't just stand alone, they depend on other things in my life; primarily my relationships with others, with Duston and with myself. Many days life in general, specifically in these areas seems to overwhelm me. I notice that when life gets tough I start to shut people out, or atleast ignore them. I retreat into my little shell and take cover. I guess I figure if I don't have to deal with them it will make it all a little less overwhelming. The funny thing is, I find that when I just live my life minute to minute doing what I am supposed to do, it's almost never overwhelming. The one person I can't run from is myself, so when I can't deal with me, I turn to food. I guess I try to not give it much thought most of the time, I just sort of do it. About 2 months ago I read some article about eating disorders and I suddenly realized that the article was describing me perfectly. Feeling ashamed of eating with other people, stashing food away, eating large quantities in secret. Flaming Cheetos and cheese dip was my weakness. I say was with hesitation because though it is still a thought in my mind often to run out and buy a bag and eat it all at record speed, the actuallity of that makes me nautious. About 2 weeks ago when I decided to do this overhaul on my life, this was a major area. I have to make right decisions with food, I have to have a healthy relationship with it. I know its going to be hard for a while but I think with time, and grace, and Duston I can do it. Poor dear probably is ready to throw me to the wolves if I give him one more "I'm in Target and I want to eat something bad" phone call. It's absolutely humiliating to do that, and thats how I know I really love him. (though I had a hunch before) Tonight he talked me out of a similar situation and after he got me through it he said, even these little decisions matter a year from now. That made me think, if I learn to say no to these slave drivers in my life, I become the one in control (only with God's grace of course). In that sense I am the only one who has say over what I accept and what I do, I"m a "little God the father, with God the father" as my prof would say. This is the exact fault that Adam made, he tried to be God without God and the weight was too much to bear. So, in a sense, if I am completely capable of saying no, my yes means infinitely more. Freedom allows me to give myself over to Duston in a way that I can't as a slave. Wow. This is sort of cleansing. I can see this playing itself out in steps.....Our St. Jude novena is working full speed ahead.
First was the realization that my weakness is beautiful. I cannot do it alone, and only if I throw myself at the foot of the cross do I have any hope. That hope is the source of my ultimate dignity as a human and a child of God.
Second (tonight) If I am going to say a 'yes' that resembles anything of Mary or Jesus' yes I'm going to first have to learn how to say no. I have to be free.
It's the sound of Jubilee....

St. Jude pray for me