Hopeless

It's like 12:45 here...I just got back from going out with the girls, which was surprisingly fun. I forget how great I can be when I'm actually social. I need to get out more these days. We just went down to Adam's Morgan to a really treandy type coffee shop/bar and solved the problems of the world as usual. It's actually the first day that all 4 of us were in the house and it was loads of fun.
Anyway, today I went to LA Weightloss for a meeting just to check them out and see if they are something I'd like to join. It seemed ok until she got to the part about suppliments (all natural) and bars and shakes and stuff. That is totally against everything I want to do. I want to lose weight yes, but I'm adamantly against doing it in an unnatural way. Simply because I want it to be a change for life and not simply for the time being. If it's going to be for life it's got to be something that I can do for the rest of my life, i.e. eat healthy and exercise..not take pills and eat gross artificially flavored laxitives in the shape of a candy bar and then be so surprized when the 30 pounds i lose comes leaping back on...no thank you. Anyway, my hesitations about that were confirmed when she told me how much it would cost; only a small fortune that i couldnt pay right now even if I wanted to. So, I left, mildly dissapointed and she said she'd call me on Friday. I then had what I can only assume was a total moment of grace. I was instictively driving toward Starbucks when I kind of felt God saying....We can do this Amy...we can do it ourselves. I didnt really give it much thought just promised I'd pray more about it. But then sitting in the Starbucks parking lot I thought, why don't I go to CVS here and see if there are a few somewhat healthy food items that I can get to hold me over until Friday when I make this decision. After I had filled my basket with granola cereal and some soups I saw a magazine that had basically an outlined eating guide for 10 days of eating healthy to sort of jump start your diet. I put everything away and bought the magazine, then I sat in my car in the sweltering heat and made a grocery list of what I needed to follow the diet and I tool my 36 dollars and bought as much of it as I could. I feel really good about this one and I hope it works. I want it to change my being and not just be something else I'm a slave to.
When I finally got to talk to Duston about my day and my meeting, I told him that I had pretty much decided not to join and he reacted in a way I didnt quite expect. He was hesitatant...but tried to ask tough questions like he always does. It almost sounded like he doesnt think I can do it on my own. I was almost hurt by it but then again, he only knows the failure and my moments of turning to him in weakness, why would he think i can do it. I don't blame him really, it just makes me more determined to succeed.

Anyway, maybe I"ll call this the St. Jude diet...

When all hope is lost.