I do love him......just as I suspected

Did you ever have a dream that seemed so real, you woke up completely in shock that it was actually a dream and you spent the rest of the day trying to convince your emotions of the same thing? I had a pretty wicked one last night (and by wicked I mean disturbing not 'wickedly cool').

Preface:... before I went to bed I was having one of my moments when I feel somewhat unsure or indifferent to Duston and I's relationship. Usually I brush these off without a second thought because though infrequent in their appearances I'm pretty sure every couple experiences that from time to time. I also think being apart physically is the culpret there...that and beezebulb himself. The short of it is I was wondering if I'm really "in love".

I dreamed that Duston and I were caught in a situation with some bad guys that we didnt belong in and in being the total sweetheart that he is he got murdered; brutally slaughtered and left to die. When I discovered (in the dream) this to be the case, I was absolutely inconsolable. I was vomiting and screaming and crying so hard that I can only imagine that I was actually screaming in my sleep. The rest of the dream was me trying to actually conceive of the fact that the man I love was gone. Needless to say I was pityful and I woke up crying, partly because of the dream and partly because I was so happy to discover it was a dream.

I called him on my way to work and told him about it. He assured me that everything was ok and that he was alright and that he loved me very much. Ya know he must tell me 10 times a day that he loves me but it never sounded so beautiful as it did this morning. That feeling stayed with me all day and it made me sick everytime I remembered it. Maybe the dream was God's way of reminding me of the incredible gift I've been given, maybe it was my own subconscious pleading with my mind not to mess this up. Either way I said thank you quite a few times today. Even if God does call him home before we're old and gray, within my complete sadness there will be a subtle joy and gratitude for what I have been given. He's not mine to own, he's a gift.

That being said, I'm hoping for the 'show up at school naked' dream tonight.

"Unless you become like these little ones..."

This past year has been what I consider to be the most profound educational experience of my life and by education I mean much more than education, I mean formation. It has changed the way I see life, love, myself, and the world and I'm thankful for every moment of it and the year to come. One concept that we've no choice but to become wildly aware of here at the JPII Institute is that of 'childlikeness'. The whole idea of wonder and what beautiful divinity lies within it. We are to be children constantly in the state of wonder. We are to be sons and daughters in the Son. So, while we're known to be a group of kid lovin people anyway, I think we've all begun to pay much closer attention to the children around us always taking into consideration of course how much of childhood the world has robbed away from today's children, but mostly watching their careful attention to the profundity of simplicity and their almost innate awareness of the divine around and within them. So my job is literally to be around about 50 kids a day, doing what they do. Two things came to my attention today while at work. First, we have tons of equipment that would make any kid (even 25 year old kids like myself) squeal with joy; slides, climbs, bridges, balls, parachutes, puppets, hoops and silly songs to boot, all padded in colors the full spectrum of the rainbow. Still, while they thrive in this atmosphere there is one thing that makes them the happiest, one thing that stops all tantrums and squeals and will remove even the shyest kid from his mommy's leg; bubbles. Soapy water and a wand that blows a million tiny bubbles out onto the play floor makes these crumb snatchers completely happy. I was watching them today. They just stare in amazement at first. It's like they can't get their mind around what these magical floating translucent rainbows could be but at the same time they arent really trying to. They dance around throwing their little hands in the air trying to catch every one all the time asking for more..more ..."more bubbles!". They'll ask for bubbles from the moment they arrive to the moment they leave, never ever growing tired of them. They don't need the complete works of Von Balthasar to go into a state of complete wonder. They just need bubbles. That kind of simplicity is profound really and we immediately want to write it off as naivety. I'm reminded however of one of my favorite quotes from my all time favorite author G.K Chesterton,

"Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun and every evening, "Do it again to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike, it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we." (Orthodoxy)

Chesterton seems to imply here that that 'simplicity' that we are so quick to write off is in a sense divine. In that he agrees with our old friend Tommy Aquinas, probably unknowingly. That vulnerability or passivity, that non subsistance is powerful. Powerful.

My second observation today was a little more personal. There was one child who suddenly, without warning, after playing for 45 minutes actively, happily, and very interactively, decided that he had to love me with every ounce of his little being. He caught my eye and then, as if he'd been lost for hours, ran to me and threw his little arms around me and hugged me unceasingly for the next 10 minutes. At first I felt a little uncomfortable. I mean his nanny was smiling but I thought, this is not my kid I've got to make him let go, although I didnt really want to. He didnt seem to care that I tried to pry him off of me a few times, he'd just hug my neck even tighter and hold me as if his little heart was surrounding me with peace. I haven't felt so loved in a while. There's nothing like the love of a child, so innocent, so pure, so unconditional, so dramatic. Anyway, a few minutes later he was out the door telling me g'bye and happy to be venturing out to his next activity for the day. I on the other hand was left wishing I could have another hug. Gotta love kids, don't ya?

making plans

Isn't it amazing how things can change in the course of a day? I woke up this morning to the gloominess and the humidity and all those trivial little things that can make your day hell started to fall upon me. I was running late, I didnt feel like going to work at all, the percent of rain was rediculous, my only clean kakhi pair of pants were wrinkled and my hair just absolutely would not cooperate. I got to work exactly on time however, and things started to look up from there. I had much more energy today than yesterday. Must have been that pre-pre menstrual syndrome exhaustion. It happens every month..and every month I think "what the hell is wrong with me". Ahh the joys of being a woman. There was an actual moment when I first got to work where I had to actually say to myslef "Amy, you have to be in a good mood....it's your job" and afterthat I was fine. I was on such a roll complimenting and being animated (what I like to call barney mode) that when I got to the garage to pay the parking attendant I said with telly tubby like enthusiasm "very good!". I'm gonna have to watch that.
Anyway, the rest of the day pretty much drug along with nothing exciting except for a small victory on my part....self control. I've been on the St. Jude diet now for 4 days and I've been good all 4 days. Driving home from work I was starving since I hadn't eaten in over 4 hours and my eggbeaters and Wava cracker was long gone. I swung by Blockbuster to drop off some movies before my 'grace period' is up (no late fees...whatever) and considered getting another movie and some sweets to spend the afternoon with. All in one moment I reconsidered and decided to make the right decision for once. So I drove home and ate what I was supposed to eat. I did watch alot of tv today but I ate well all day so I'll give myself a little slack. Just now in the shower I was playing out my weight loss goals....maybe just a little obsessively...but gimmie a break.
Here they are...

By the time D comes back from Main I'd like to have lost 15 pounds, I'm already 5 pounds into that goal!

When he leaves 3 weeks later and school starts I'd like to have lost 5 more pounds. Thats not unreasonable...

When I go home for Jeane's wedding I'd like to have lost about 10-15 more pounds.

And when we go home for Christmas I'd like to have lost 5-10 more pounds.....I'm hoping the holidays at home don't do me in but I suspect having to try on wedding dresses will help a great deal.

Anyway, thats the plan...hold me to it ok?

nothing much

Today was sort of weird actually. I mean I worked in the morning and everything was just hunky dory and then I got home and it was like any fiber of my being that even resembled energy completely evacuated the premesis. I'm thinking it's the new diet. My body is not getting the amount of carbs and stuff its used to and its adjusting. Also it's been so friggin hot at night that sleeping is hard to come by. I just took a cold shower in the hopes that it will help me sleep tonight, who knows.
I have a headache and all in all I"m just groggy. More on this later when I can actually form an intelligent thought.

Curls in the making

Why is it that I want curly hair? I'm not talking about frizzy kinky, unruly hair. I want the flowy silky soft curl look. Who doesnt Amy? Anyway, needless to say I'm sitting here with my hair in braids again, letting it dry. I say again because I tried this strategy the other day only I put it in 5 million tiny braids and slept on it. The result sent me doubled over in laughter. A frizzball of hair and kinky curls that looked like I had taken a morning jog to the 80's and let that horrible pink and purple krimp iron that I had when I was 12 go crazy in my hair. Thank God it was a humid day and the soft halo of fuzz around my head could be easily justified.

I've had a good day so far, eating well (following the new diet) excersize, and a great conversation with my honey...all before noon. One guilty confession though...
Yesterday the girls and I were talking about relationships and how even the seemingly Catholic ones can fall prey to infidelity. I know the type of man Duston is and I dont believe its possible of him but I'm also not stupid enough to fall into the pride of thinking that anyone is beyond that totally. I know that I trust him though. I mean two of the people he's become friends with at this festival are girls, pretty ones at that. Pretty, classical musician, fun girls. The other night he hung out with just the two of them and Mr. Samuel Adams of course...and I didnt have one jealous feeling to speak of.

This morning however, talking to him about the conversations I had with the girls yesterday made me think twice about these girls, who I know very little about. He sent me the link to one of their blogs the other day so I looked it up and read back a few entries...barely a mention of him. I knew it all along :) She also had a link to the other ones site who had no mention what so ever of him on it...

Whats wrong with these girls anyway...don't they know a great guy when they see one! I mean, they'd be lucky to have a guy like him....

I kill me..

Hopeless

It's like 12:45 here...I just got back from going out with the girls, which was surprisingly fun. I forget how great I can be when I'm actually social. I need to get out more these days. We just went down to Adam's Morgan to a really treandy type coffee shop/bar and solved the problems of the world as usual. It's actually the first day that all 4 of us were in the house and it was loads of fun.
Anyway, today I went to LA Weightloss for a meeting just to check them out and see if they are something I'd like to join. It seemed ok until she got to the part about suppliments (all natural) and bars and shakes and stuff. That is totally against everything I want to do. I want to lose weight yes, but I'm adamantly against doing it in an unnatural way. Simply because I want it to be a change for life and not simply for the time being. If it's going to be for life it's got to be something that I can do for the rest of my life, i.e. eat healthy and exercise..not take pills and eat gross artificially flavored laxitives in the shape of a candy bar and then be so surprized when the 30 pounds i lose comes leaping back on...no thank you. Anyway, my hesitations about that were confirmed when she told me how much it would cost; only a small fortune that i couldnt pay right now even if I wanted to. So, I left, mildly dissapointed and she said she'd call me on Friday. I then had what I can only assume was a total moment of grace. I was instictively driving toward Starbucks when I kind of felt God saying....We can do this Amy...we can do it ourselves. I didnt really give it much thought just promised I'd pray more about it. But then sitting in the Starbucks parking lot I thought, why don't I go to CVS here and see if there are a few somewhat healthy food items that I can get to hold me over until Friday when I make this decision. After I had filled my basket with granola cereal and some soups I saw a magazine that had basically an outlined eating guide for 10 days of eating healthy to sort of jump start your diet. I put everything away and bought the magazine, then I sat in my car in the sweltering heat and made a grocery list of what I needed to follow the diet and I tool my 36 dollars and bought as much of it as I could. I feel really good about this one and I hope it works. I want it to change my being and not just be something else I'm a slave to.
When I finally got to talk to Duston about my day and my meeting, I told him that I had pretty much decided not to join and he reacted in a way I didnt quite expect. He was hesitatant...but tried to ask tough questions like he always does. It almost sounded like he doesnt think I can do it on my own. I was almost hurt by it but then again, he only knows the failure and my moments of turning to him in weakness, why would he think i can do it. I don't blame him really, it just makes me more determined to succeed.

Anyway, maybe I"ll call this the St. Jude diet...

When all hope is lost.