Blow the horn

I actually have some time now so I'll let this stream of consciousness thing go. Sort of anyway, I remember in school that meant that you don't take your pen off of the paper, so I guess in this case it will have to be that I wont take my mind off of the computer screen, or something.
One idea that struck me tonight, with the help of my beloved, is what will my 'yes' mean when July 7th, 2006 comes around? What do I mean by that? Well, ok so it's no secret by now that my problem is food, although it goes much deeper than that. I, like any woman or person for that matter, need validation. I need affirmation and emotional fulfillment and it's easy to turn to food to do that for me. So, these days I'm trying to organize my life a little more, be more holistic. I'm trying to put my spirituality where my life dreams are i.e. daily prayer, daily Mass when its at all possible and just an overall giving myself to God always. That in itself will be a lifelong mission and if God can make a saint out of this when it's all said and done (like He claims He can) then my faith in Him surely won't have been mistaken. These spiritual goals however can't just stand alone, they depend on other things in my life; primarily my relationships with others, with Duston and with myself. Many days life in general, specifically in these areas seems to overwhelm me. I notice that when life gets tough I start to shut people out, or atleast ignore them. I retreat into my little shell and take cover. I guess I figure if I don't have to deal with them it will make it all a little less overwhelming. The funny thing is, I find that when I just live my life minute to minute doing what I am supposed to do, it's almost never overwhelming. The one person I can't run from is myself, so when I can't deal with me, I turn to food. I guess I try to not give it much thought most of the time, I just sort of do it. About 2 months ago I read some article about eating disorders and I suddenly realized that the article was describing me perfectly. Feeling ashamed of eating with other people, stashing food away, eating large quantities in secret. Flaming Cheetos and cheese dip was my weakness. I say was with hesitation because though it is still a thought in my mind often to run out and buy a bag and eat it all at record speed, the actuallity of that makes me nautious. About 2 weeks ago when I decided to do this overhaul on my life, this was a major area. I have to make right decisions with food, I have to have a healthy relationship with it. I know its going to be hard for a while but I think with time, and grace, and Duston I can do it. Poor dear probably is ready to throw me to the wolves if I give him one more "I'm in Target and I want to eat something bad" phone call. It's absolutely humiliating to do that, and thats how I know I really love him. (though I had a hunch before) Tonight he talked me out of a similar situation and after he got me through it he said, even these little decisions matter a year from now. That made me think, if I learn to say no to these slave drivers in my life, I become the one in control (only with God's grace of course). In that sense I am the only one who has say over what I accept and what I do, I"m a "little God the father, with God the father" as my prof would say. This is the exact fault that Adam made, he tried to be God without God and the weight was too much to bear. So, in a sense, if I am completely capable of saying no, my yes means infinitely more. Freedom allows me to give myself over to Duston in a way that I can't as a slave. Wow. This is sort of cleansing. I can see this playing itself out in steps.....Our St. Jude novena is working full speed ahead.
First was the realization that my weakness is beautiful. I cannot do it alone, and only if I throw myself at the foot of the cross do I have any hope. That hope is the source of my ultimate dignity as a human and a child of God.
Second (tonight) If I am going to say a 'yes' that resembles anything of Mary or Jesus' yes I'm going to first have to learn how to say no. I have to be free.
It's the sound of Jubilee....

St. Jude pray for me

"Dance Gymbo Dance"

I worked all day today, and when I say all day I mean I left my house at about 8 this morning and I didnt get home till about 9 tonight. The last couple hours of that were play...actually all of it was play since thats my job but I'm tired none the less. Too tired yet again to write much with any substance and as usual I'm sure I'll be tired when Duston calls me to talk (it's already after midnight). It's hard being away from him anytime, thought thats something I've gotten somewhat used to, but its even harder being away from him when we're both so busy. We spend our days diligently doing what it is we do and then when night rolls around we have only the last few breaths of our already spent bodies to give to each other. Needless to say we spit out a few words and call it a night. I'd be lying if I said this didnt make me fear for this year, or our lives at that. I'm worried we wont ever have enough time and that will cause us to grow apart, in both cases. I feel like I need some affirmation of his love for me....why is that? Why do we feel we need something other than an actual "I love you baby". And it's not that I don't believe him, I do. I just feel like I want him to be pining for me and missing me as badly as I miss him. Anyway...in other news; I was horrible with my diet today but I'm not so upset about it. I've been so faithful lately that I figure at the very least a day of splurging will confuse my system into thinking it needs to step up the carolie burning for tomorrow and I'll end up burning more. That is if I go strictly back to the diet tomorrow. Just to show how in love with fat my body is however... I've worked out like a mad woman for 3 weeks and watched everything I've put into my mouth for atleast 2. The scale was showing that I'd lost about 3 pounds. Tonight it's telling me that I'm a pound heavier than i was when i started. Joy.

Tomorrow will be better....but I'm tired just thinking about it.

pre-anniversary

Driving to work today I thought about the fact that one year from now I'll be married and something funny happend. First off the smile on my face made the creepy hispanic man next to me in traffic think that I was flirting with him but besides that I got a tingly feeling in my tummy. Butterflies... something that unfortunately becomes a rarity after 7 years of friendship and a year and a half of dating your best friend. Love, even big beautiful crazy love like ours, on a daily basis becomes something subtle and incredible..a strong blue flame as opposed to fireworks. I say it becomes that because it must grow to that point. It matures to something calm and deep, not diminishes, as I"m sure it will to an epic degree in the next 30 years, God willing. In any case it's nice to know that in the midst of all that magnanimous love is a fiesty sparkler ready to crack and sizzle just as strong as ever....or maybe even in a new way every time.
It's hard not to fall into the trap of worrying that something horrible will happen in the next year to stop it all. There are so many possibilities and they are tempting to list for dramatic effect, but I wont even give them that much power. This morning was especially bittersweet when I woke up and learned of the bombings in London; an eerie reminder that our world is as sick as ever and growing more morose by the minute.

Anyway, lots to say but not time at present to say it. It's time to call my honey and help him find an apartment.

It's not about the house...it's about the home....(Maybe I'll repeat that to myself a few times before I call..... and maybe I"ll check out the IKEA website one more time...)

7/7/06....the prequal

Today is July 6th, 2005. One year from right now I'm going to be attempting to get some sleep (and by attempting I mean not getting any at all). Why is that? Because one year from right now will be the night before the big day, that day that all mothers dream about and fathers cry at the thought of... my wedding. To break the situation down for you simply would go something like this. (1)I have 365 days until I marry my best friend and the man of my dreams. No it's not some weird illegal reversed mormon ceremony, my best friend and the man of my dreams just happen to be the same man (what are the chances?). (2) I currently live in the traffic pit our nation likes to call its Capital a.k.a "murder central" and my fiancee is about to move to Denver Colorado to begin his graduate degree. (Thats where the 1700 miles come into play) (3) Our wedding will be in Louisiana, where our parents, family and friends reside; not to mention the Church where we met and became best friends. (4) I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember and I'm determined to drop 35 pounds before I try a dress on. (5) Last but definitely not least, I'm finishing up my last year of Graduate School which involves insane amounts of work and just for fun comprehensive exams in my last semester (just around the time when all the fun wedding chaos sets in).

Needless to say it's going to be one heck of a year and I just couldn't let it go by without a record of my psychosis. Who knows it might make me famous when all is said and done
... that or give me an alibi.