I'll fly away...

Sometimes I wish I were a musician. Yes, the man I love is one but thats not the reason. Perhaps even some of the reason I'm in love with him is because he's a musician. I don't mean in the "I'm a rockstar, I want everybody to know my name" kinda way either. I mean a real musician, someone who is creative in the most divine sense of the word. I used to get this itch alot in college. There was so much going on in me, in my heart and my spirit (and sometimes even in my head) that I felt like I needed an outlet for it. Yeah, everybody goes through that I know. I think mostly we get bogged down with life and the "so much" thats going on in us is toxic and the way we want to get it out is bad, hence our drug addictions, sexual fascinations and overeating tendancies. But, on the good side of that is something wholely other. When we are filled with light and truth and that something that we can't quite put our finger on, we want it to be something tangible, or atleast nameable. So we write music, or poems or paint pictures and sometimes, yes, we even blog.

I love music though. It's really an amazing thing? substance? enigma? I can't even find the right word for it. Creation. There it is. It sort of lives and moves and has it's being independantly of and yet eternally united to the musician. It speaks, it says something of its own and yet it captures the enigmatic element of it's creator. In alot less big and airy words; it's a creative outlet. The love that the musician has for ...whatever.. has an outlet and is fruitful.

So, ok I"m not a musician, by any stretch of the word...not even the little ditties I make up in my room for Jesus when nobodies watching can really be considered "music". Even writing stories and blogs and random paragraphs of chaos is not what I consider to be a real, creative, expression. I hope to get better and oneday be a real writer..but there's good news for me even now.

It has occurred to me that there is one outlet that I forget I have. Being who I am. I mean really, most days lately I kinda really suck at being me. I do suck at being a musician but the difference here is kind of an eye opener. I probably won't ever do much more than strum the same 3 chords and make up cheezy christian words in the ways of my musicianship, but nobody can ever be me as well as I can. In fact, if I become a world famous musician it aint squat to what I become if I'm the best creative version of myself.....a saint.

So I"m gonna keep strummin and singin to Jesus and I'm gonna start letting myself be all that I know I am, because......well...it's who I am! and most of all it's sung through me because the big musician in the sky has created it that way.