Letting off steam...

"If home is where your heart is then I'm out of place" -- some cheesy Christian song that I really like.

Sometimes it's hard for me to tell the difference between my crazy antics, chemical embalances brought on by normal "woman stuff" and real true desires. Most of the time I think their all mixed up into one emotional gumbo and it's my job to pick the okra out. (surely I joke...what cajun girl doesnt like okra gumbo?)
My point..though fuzzy I know.. is that even when a girl, like me, gets really emotional about something it doesnt mean that she's necessarily just wanting to have a moment to let her drama queen out. Typically what comes out in those moments are truths that are too inhibited to come out elsewhere, so they pour out in sort of a projectile vomitting sort of way.
Home. It's where I want to be. So, I don't like this place. I hate driving around here and being here and knowing I have to be here for another year. On top of that is the knowledge that even when I'm done with my year sentence here I get 2-3 more years in a place that is still not home. This bothers me, though I hardly say it and though I obviously love the man I'm going for more than my need to go home. It bothers him that it bothers me, though he's very caring and tries to be very understanding about the whole thing. He wants to be a musician and I want to watch my parents get old and to be there when my beloved grandparents die and to watch my nephews turn 5,6,7,8, etc. I want my godson to see me often enough to know my name. I want to spend Sunday's in a little outdoor kitchen in the country talking 100 miles a minute with the gaggle of women in my family while the men sit at the other end and yell at the LSU game. I want to plan my wedding with my best friend who just so happens to also be planning her wedding. I want to go dress shopping with my mom so that we can disagree on what kind of dress "flatters" me. I want to have girls night and tell stories about our college years. I want to go home. Now, admittingly, home is speedily becoming what it was not. My friends are changing, my family is changing and soon getting together at "mawmaw's" house will not include the actual presence of "mawmaw". I'm going to miss some things and to some degree thats necessary yes. We have to have our own lives but at what cost? I feel like I'm not loving him well enough if this is a real problem for me. In my most selfish moments, I feel like he's not loving me well enough by making me endure it at all. I"m afraid this will be my life in some capacity...and I think it's all got to do with the horrid thing we call death. That horrible beauty that brings us to the side of Christ and rips us apart from our ugliest selves.

Arrrghhh.

There. I feel much better now.